Today is the 27th. I'm having a rough day but have still done things in the house that need to be done. I am struggling... I need to cry. Crying has never come easily to me. As a defense mechanism learned as a child being grumpy and angry is so much easier than crying and vulnerability. I know that inside my heart wants to cry uncontrollably over my loss and heartache. But my brain is fighting this urge and trying to put hate and anger in its place. If you've ever watched Red Dwarf there is an episode when the mechanoid Kryten is trying desperately to master the facial expression for ambivalence.... I feel like Kryten. Struggling to find the expression for feeling and showing conflicting emotions at the same time. I'm not sure how to be at peace while still feeling anger. Laughing while my heart aches. Being productive when my head is still lying in bed. Maybe some thoughts and prayers to help me master this new way of life where there will always be a spot in my heart that is mourning for my little Sonic.
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