Our first Dr. appointment went fantastic! Our little one is growing beautifully right on target. And to make this baby even more precious this little one loved me so much he/she didn't even give me morning sickness. Not even nausea! I couldn't help feeling a little worried because I was so used to pregnancy coming with evil vomiting episodes. I was worried and anxious like every pregnancy. This time I was worried that the lack of morning sickness meant something was not going to work out. But there was my little angel growing beautifully. There was evidence of some implantation bleeding that the Dr. says is fine and it will either be absorbed or I will pass "old blood" and if that happens not to worry. It will not harm the baby. I left with a wonderful feeling of love for this little one growing inside me.
At 10 weeks I experienced some of the "old blood" start to pass I was terrified but reassured because I knew that this was going to happen so it will be ok. My next appointment was at 12 weeks. I was so anxious to hear my little ones heart beat at this visit because of the spotting... And there it was my baby was still doing great! What a strong little heartbeat 176 bpm!! Our baby was strong and growing. The Dr. was glad that I wasn't sick this time around just some headaches and the spotting. Because the spotting was what we talked about happening our Dr. just said to take it easy and not to worry our baby was doing fantastic. Next appointment is in 4 weeks.
I'm so excited because I haven't gained too much weight yet and I'm not puking every couple hours! And I'm pretty sure this little one just got the hiccups on Mar 10th. I'm so amazed that my baby is so strong already that I can feel this little bought of hiccups... that no doubt will make my baby cry and be scared when he is a couple months old just like his siblings did, but right now it is a sign that my baby is happy and learning the simplest tasks. I'm so proud of my little one and enjoy the first moment I feel our baby!!
We've been talking with the kids about the baby for weeks and they all have their guesses on what sex the baby is. They even change their minds a lot! Clark insists the baby is a boy and that we have to name him Sonic! We told him that we probably won't name the baby that but he is welcome to call him Sonic if the baby is a boy. Paige has changed her mind a couple times and now says it is a little girl like her! Kegan says he doesn't know what the baby is... and has no baby name ideas. As for me I would like a girl and can only think of girl names (Grace and Ruby are my favs but Jacob doesn't care for them) but my gut is telling me this is a little guy. But we've decided not to find out the gender at our ultrasound appt that is getting so close. We want that anticipated delight of Jacob having to tell me the news! It is going to be exciting and wonderful (I'm secretly hoping the surprise will make Jacob shed some tears )
Things are still so great at 14 wks this little one moves so much for such a little one. And all of the spotting has stopped so my littlest love is doing well. In the stillness of the morning I like to lay in bed and see my baby bump that is starting to form and feel the little flutters of life and growth inside of me. I have an uneasy feeling though but have pushed it aside as my normal pregnancy anxiety. But I feel different. I decide it is time to start this little angel's baby blanket! I normally crotchet a blanket but the yarn I chose is not cooperating so I decide that this baby is going to be blessed with mommy's new knitting abilities! This is going to be the softest cuddly blanket I've made. I'm thinking that because we don't know the gender I'm going to make matching hat and booties and this will be the "take home outfit" that gets packed into the labor bag. I'm so excited for this little one and I'm starting to think about September when this baby will join our family.......
I think I notice less movement but it's so early that I don't worry about it. Although I start thinking on March 24th that I haven't noticed any baby bump growth for a little bit and decide that I will ask about it on my appointment on Monday. Monday morning I'm feeling off and nervous for my appointment today. It will be exciting to hear my baby to know that since the spotting hasn't happened for a couple weeks that our little one is doing ok. I can't find a sitter today so I decide to just bring Paige and Clark to the appt. They are not very long appt and the kids will love hearing the little ones heartbeat.
I get to the lodge and tell them I'm here for my visit. My blood pressure is taken and it's perfect like always. today it's 108/60. I lay on the table and wait for the nurse to find my little one's precious sign of health. My nurse sets the doppler on my belly and starts to look for a heartbeat.... She can't find it.. after a couple minutes she decides to go get another nurse. Reassuring me that she hasn't been doing this for very long and there is nothing to worry about. The nurse that I normally see comes in with a smile and says "so this little one is still hiding in all that room" after a couple minutes she also can't find the precious sound I'm so anxious to hear. It's time to call in the doctor and an ultrasound. Both nurses are very reassuring that I shouldn't worry I'm past the 12 wks and the baby is still got a lot of room to hide from the doppler. To wait for the dr and we'll hear my little one. I'm sure of what he is going to find but refuse to let go of hope that I'm wrong... my baby is fine just hiding... right?
Our Dr. comes in after what seems like an eternity of waiting for a mother barely holding it together. Dr. F has a broken wrist... While he boots up the ultrasound machine. We joke about his hand and he tells me that he broke it on a snowmobiling accident and hasn't been able to deliver a baby for a couple weeks. I almost say:" at least you'll be better when it's time to deliver my baby" but stop myself out of fear of breaking. The ultrasound is ready, the blue goo goes coldly on my small baby bump, and the image of my little ones appears on the screen. There my little angel is! He is beautiful measures 15 wks and 3 days old.... I am 16 wks and 3 days pregnant.... I can see what the Dr sees. There is no movement in my little one's heart. Dr. F turns on the blood flow colors there is flow everywhere outside of my uterus but no flow inside my little angel's brain. My baby is gone and my heart is broken. The Dr. looks at me and tells me what we see. My two little children look at the monitor and say "where is our baby?" I muster up all my strength for my two looking up at me, "our baby has gone to heaven. Our baby is dead."
3 comments:
Chartina,
I am so sorry you had to lose such a little one and have to tell your kids right then too. My heart and hugs go out to you and your family.
I am so proud of you for writing this for people to see. You are an amazing woman and don't ever forget that. You are so blessed, even if you don't feel like it at the moment. Remember that there are people here for you even if they are from your past. You will get through this. I feel your fears and feeling like there was something wrong. With kapree our second I was at 34 weeks and I had not seen the dr. Since 30 week because of conflicts with schedules. I had an appointment but notice less movement with her espically because she was usually very very active. I kept telling myself it was because she was running out of room. But I got in sooner & she wasn't growing so I had to go to mckaydee and do an ultrasound down there. They did it and then a u of u dr came in and sat with us. I didn't know what to think... And being the mother who is carring the child you cant even sort your thoughts and "what if's?" I can't imagine you having to be there and trying to tell your kids so they understand. She told me that with the loops in her bowels and her size 4.12 @36 wks. That she probably has cystic fibrosis ( the oldest person to survive this on record was 40) so to think I would be burying a child before me was hard to even fathom. You've heard this a lot but I am sorry for your loss and this post made me bawl. I miss your sweet face, and you're in my heart. Like I said on your Facebook post, God sent him but he was perfect and didn't
Need to be on earth, so god took him back. I know it seems unfair. also the way things with this country are going right now,I fear for our youth when they are older.
Hugs and kisses,
-marley :)
Thanks for sharing this, I know it was probably hard to put down, but it is such a precious thing. It made me cry, but these days everything makes me cry. My heart goes out to you and your beautiful family.
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